I Still
by perfectromanceinmymind
Summary: April-centric one-shot based off of spoilers for early Season 9.


**Just some state-of-mind, stream-of-consciousness stuff based off the spoilers that April is back in Ohio in the season premiere. The song lyrics in italics come from the Backstreet Boys' "**_**I Still…**_**" off their 2005 Never Gone album. If you stopped paying attention to Backstreet in the "**_**I Want it That Way**_**" days, I suggest giving this song a chance. In all honesty, it's one of my favorite songs of all time and I've been subconsciously looking for a way to use it in a story for ages. I find the melody hauntingly beautiful and I guess I'm a sucker for lost loves who never got over each other. At any rate, it came up on my iTunes just after I'd read the back-to-the-farm spoiler and finally, I'd found a way to use it. Hope you enjoy – please let me know!**

* * *

_Who are you now? Are you still the same or did you change somehow?_

April kept forgetting.

For a few seconds every morning, when she'd just woken up, she'd forget where she was.

And then she'd open her eyes, see the Titanic movie poster on the wall, her diamond birthstone Barbie on the shelf, her high school letter jacket hanging off the hook on the closet door and she'd remember. She was back home. Back in Ohio. Not in Seattle. Not in any other city, working in a new hospital as a board-certified surgeon. She was back on the farm in Moline, Ohio. A failure.

And then she'd remember that at least she was alive, which was more than Lexie or Mark could say. So there was that, at least.

There was such an odd sense of déjà vu, being back on the farm once more after the tragic deaths of two people she called friends. Had it really only been two years since she sought refuge here after Reed and Charlie?

Somehow, their deaths had been easier to come to terms with. They were tragic and senseless, yes – but there was someone to blame. Someone to be angry at.

There was no one to blame for a plane falling out of the sky for no real reason. No one but God and April's feelings about Him, Jesus, religion in general were way too confused right now. She had barely begun to sort out how she felt like God had punished her for her lapse in judgment in San Francisco; she couldn't even think about trying to sort out what anyone on that plane had done to deserve crash landing in the woods in the middle of nowhere. What had Mark or Lexie ever done, besides take way too long to sort out their feelings for each other?

April really hoped that, where ever they were, they were together. She'd been watching them dance around each other for years and her inner romantic had always sorta hoped they'd find their way back to each other. There was a bittersweet sort of comfort in the idea that they had.

_What do you do, at this very moment when I think of you?_

She thought of the others too, all the time. She did her best to stay busy, not to dwell. She baby-sat her nieces and nephews, giving her sisters some much needed breaks. Her mother, after more than twenty years in the county school system, had connections with everyone and she used those connections to get April a part-time job with the local Red Cross. Mostly she was teaching CPR and First Aid to preschool teachers and Scout leaders, but at least it was something medical and it gave her time to study so she would be ready for boards next June. She was even toying with the idea of taking an EMT class through the local community college; besides giving her something to do, she kinda thought that it might only help her as a future trauma surgeon, having that other perspective.

And of course, she was helping her dad with the cows. And the horses and the vegetable garden and all the eleventy-billion other chores that existed on the farm. She didn't have much choice; her parents had let her come home without question and without charging rent, so she figured it was a fair trade. Kind of.

In a weird sort of way, it felt like her senior year of high school – just trying to get through the year so she could move on. Re-living senior year at the age of thirty. It sounded like the plot of a bad movie.

But even as she tried to stay busy and not think about the people she'd left behind, she couldn't help herself. She worried about Meredith, coping with the loss of her sister. Worried about Derek; wondered if he was back in the operating room yet. Worried about Sofia – too little to even understand that she'd never know her father and that one of her mothers might never be the same again.

She wondered about Cristina – how she was faring at Mayo. Wondered if Bailey and Dr. Warren had gotten married yet. Thought about Alex in Baltimore and tried not be jealous of the gig he'd managed to score. Hopkins! Unbelievable.

They all found their ways in and out of her head all day long. And even though she really didn't know where she stood on the subject of religion, she couldn't help sending up little prayers at the thought of each of her old friends. Simple little requests; for peace, for strength, for the ability to cope, to heal. Maybe it was really one long continuous prayer, always there in the back of her head.

She missed them all – and Seattle – far more than she'd ever thought she would.

_No matter how I fight it, can't deny it/Just can't let you go…_

April missed Jackson most of all.

He was the one she tried the hardest not to dwell on and somehow he was the one she thought of the most.

She couldn't help it. She'd just gotten so used to always having him around to talk to – to just be there. Even in those last few weeks after San Francisco, when things were just weird between them, he was still there. Still looking out for her, still trying to be her friend, even if she'd done her best to push him away while she sorted through her conflicting emotions.

Even now, she still hadn't figured out how she felt. She kept thinking of so many things – saying goodbye to him. Standing beside him as they buried his ex-girlfriend and his mentor. San Francisco.

Even now, she knew she had told him the truth – she didn't regret what happened between them. In the end, it was at least a beautiful memory she would always have. But, oh, she missed him. Missed his grin, his dry humor. His uniquely green eyes that always made her feel like he could see into her soul, as hideously clichéd as that sounded.

She wondered what could have been. If she hadn't failed, screwed up her life. She didn't really believe that they had a future, that Jackson would ever really pick someone like her. But for a few brief blissful moments, she'd been able to pretend that he would. If she let herself, she could still remember it all so clearly. And she could imagine that things might have been different.

But they weren't. She was in Ohio. Alone.

It was going to be a long year.

_I still need you/I still care about you_

_Though everything's been said and done_

_I still feel you/like I'm right beside you_

_But still no word from you_


End file.
